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Famous. Yes, that's what I want to be. I want to feel how it is on stage, to sing my heart out. I don't have that great of a voice, but I know I'll get better. I want to sing my songs, to sing what I wrote, to feel my head banging to the loud beat of the drums.
I want to be a lawyer. I want to be a singer. I want to be a writer. I want to be so much more. But right now, I want to be a singer while pursuing law. I want people to appreciate music and I want to sweat on stage knowing I produced sweat just as I produced that song.
It may seem like a fairytale, but slowly, fairytales are now nothing but reality to me.
Recently I dropped my "I want to be slimmer" phase. I've totally abandoned it that I feel great about myself. I don't care about what people say about me now. I wear what I want, don't give a shit about you if you think I look awful. But apparently, I don't. I love the way I can wear make-up without anyone telling me that I'm trying hard so much. I've always wanted to, I just really was pussy enough not to.
I love the way I can just go into class wearing heels and people would think that my shoes are cute, not slutty and that I'm trying to attract. ...when I really am not.
I'm happy that I'm no longer invisible, I hope that I can apply this on stage. The first person I want to see in the crowd is Mich. To see him support me in something I like doing makes me very secure and special. I can't wait.
I might just piss myself. *snorts*
Sometimes I wish I had that firefighter back. Someone who'd read all my thoughts, who knew me so well. Who I could talk to all the time without fighting over anything and everything. That person who'd come to my aid when I start breaking down.
In the end, I just drove that person away.
I sound like such a pussy talking about this. Regretting things, that is.
But then again, I brought this upon myself.
I'm not quite sure, but I think I've gotten the pull as well. It has been a habit lately--for me to sleep no earlier than 3 am. Yesterday, I slept at 6 am. Perhaps it's just me, getting hooked into dramas lately. It may sound cheesy, but it has become my personal brand of heroine--cocaine, if you wish.
Nevertheless, I've decided that I'd change my ways and start anew.
Currently 3:16 am right now. I refuse to believe that I have insomnia as my mum tells me. I really should stop watching korean/japanese dramas. |:
P.S. I am in love with Kim Hyun Joon a.k.a. Yoon Ji Hoo in BBF. WOULD LIKE HIM TO VISIT MY DREAMS ONCE MORE PLEASE. ;o;
Filling you in with what's up with me lately.
As much as I love UST, sometimes I think people here lack originality? And as much as I'd hate to admit it, even my friends are part of them. I started wearing colourful socks, everyone did as well. I started wearing nail polish, people followed. And now even lipstick is part of this deranged cycle. What's next, the hair? The eye liner? Honestly, some people cannot pull it off--really.
I sort of feel bad of the coincidence--which I strongly feel isn't--that now that people are doing the same things I do, I don't stand out anymore. Even my friends look like me now. Not that I can tell them what not and what to wear, what to put and what not to put. I don't know. The insecurity is somewhat engulfing me.
P.S. Do you know where to buy suman?
--for I swear when I blog, when I write, but never do I use swear words unless used for dialogues in my stories. I speak about alcohol, about smoking, about sex, and the like. If you get offended by topics like what I've stated above, please leave this site immediately. I write for leisure, and not for anyone. I write for myself and myself only. I may be influenced by other writers, but never do I take others' work. I may bring up topics that have been brought up by others before, but I hope (if you are one of those people), that you do not get offended.
I'm pretty sure those reading this right now are old enough to take things maturely. If I talk about contraceptives, do not think I wrote about it because I am green-minded or immature. Those people who think that are the ones immature enough to handle something that shouldn't be taken lightly. Contraceptives save many from sexually transmitted diseases daily. Once again, if you are offended by topics like these, I'd suggest you leave.
I do not cuss because I think I feel cool. Writing is a form of self-expression. Please, do not judge.
This may be impulsive thinking on my part, but I have this weird wanting to be famous. Maybe it's the influence of watching Skip Beat! Eh, it'll pass. I think.
--when I say, that you make me fucking irritable now. You know who the fuck you are, and excuse me for including you in my posts but fuck, enough is enough.
At first I felt bad because I took something that I shouldn't have in the first place. But you're a man now, you shouldn't be moping around, overfuckinganalyzing everything, telling everyone how motherfucking depressed you are.
Look, I gave it a fucking chance, I gambled when I shouldn't have, but WHY the fuck did I do it? I did it for you, for your friends who have been badgering me to no end, telling me, "GIVE IT A CHANCE!" And I did, I have no regrets, and I don't act pussy over everything that's happened. I feel bad, yeah, but I don't regret it. At least I take responsibility for my own actions. I said be human, drink a bit, loosen up. But what the fuck are you doing? Getting drunk for several days, I'm not even sure you like the motherfucking alcohol.
I hate getting all these bullshit from everyone copy-pasting EVERYTHING you say, about your dramas, about how you make ME the fucking villain in your sob-story.
What I did was wrong, I'd say sorry for it, but knowing you, you'll just give me these witty expressions that God only can decipher. You keep beating around the bush, and I'm tired of it. And that is why I decided to ceasefire.
I'm tired of always being the center of what's happening to your fucking world and tired of being watched all the time. If you want to talk to me, then talk. But you can't hold my hand and grab my whole arm along with it. I can't be around you, talk to you, listen to you the whole time.
Pardon me, my dear reader, if you do not understand what I'm going on about. But I must vent.
I'm tired of having to be almost always the reason as to why you're mad, sad, pissed, or FUCKED.
You're acting so fucking pussy which is why I hate going out with people like you.
I'll be frank when I say that I can't go out with guys like you because guys like you are as good as saints. We both know you don't like alcohol, but you push yourself to drink it when you can't even take it. I don't go out with guys like you because I've gone way too far with other people, and be truthful, boys and girls, we like a little physical attention. People like you never even go farther than a fucking kiss. Fuck, you even overanalyzed your first. I don't go out with people like you because we all know that my emotions are way too much to handle, because I'm a bitch, and people like you can't handle bitches like me. I like them bad.
You knew what you were getting yourself into. What I did was to give you backbone--so we can finally say, hindi ka na totoy. But it seems like you couldn't even fucking handle that.
Lastly, I can't go out with people like you because if I did, then I'd have to suffer from your drama that I motherfucking apparently inflicted into your motherfucking life. Kita mo? Hindi ko nga alam na ganun na pala mga nangyayari sayo. Sa iba ko pa nalaman.
You tell everyone everyone about what's happening to you concerning me, and you magnify everything I do. We have common friends, and I know our common friends will never look at me the same way again.
Fuck me, I must have gotten lots better now.